and today's word is...

His word up!


Finally made contact with Quentin. I suggest we meet as I have some news to impart. He wants to go to one of the usual watering holes which will allow him to show off his tan to anyone who might be interested but I direct him the Christian Reading Room and Macrobiotic Food in Centre in Hoxton which throws him out somewhat.

Slightly nonplussed, Q pitches up and has to hand his mobile phone which immediately which sends him into a twitchy fit. I suspect he has already got the drift that all is not as before. So, I launch into the Finding God Thing after which I have to help him retrieve his jaw from the floor. I ask him how he's going to handle it PR-wise. After a significant rabbit in headlights moment he comes up with a stonking idea - Grope for God.


You've got to admit - it's got a ring to it

Thank the Lard

As you can imagine the Grope mailbox has been groaning with messages from my massive fan base thirsty for more info about yours truly's spiritual conversion and , of course, my beloved - Gloria.

First off, Gloria Goodbody is not her real name as she changed it early in her modelling career from Tamara Goodbody for obvious reasons. At the peak of her career she was the Face of Lard 1978 until the product she was endorsing began to take its toll. Several years and a few stone later, she was at a low ebb. When I first met her, she was a wringer-out for a one-armed window cleaner who only did bungalows. Penury and RSI beckoned.

We continued to meet from time to time at various glittering occasions but it was only latterly that we forged a deeper relationship. Last year, I was on the road to Perdition, which is a small village just outside Bootle, when she convinced me that there was a better way. The rest is history and after a whirlwind romance, I popped the question. Those of you who read the more basic newspapers will have seen photographs of the ring which I managed to secure from a local branch of CASH NOW! at a favourable price on a 'no wedding, no pay' basis.

Naturally, being linked with a mega-star such as myself has its drawbacks but Gloria's inner spirituality and considerable bulk is more than a match for anything that the redtops can throw at her.

My only problem now is how to break all this to Quentin who is blissfully unware of current developments on account of the fact that he is sunning himself on a tiny island off Greece with his hair gel consultant.


Pax Vobiscum

His Word Up

You have no doubt been wondering where yours truly has been for the past few weeks. Well, I can reveal that I have been at the renowned Doris Mondeo Clinic on account of my rather enthusiastic lifestyle. I have now returned, revived and revitalised.

I can also announce that during my stay I found God which I think was as much a shock to him as to me. I have renounced my former hedonistic life in exchange for days of quiet contemplation which I will be spending with my fancy piece fiancee - ex-model, Gloria Goodbody. I have also exchanged Grope Towers for a modest residence more fitting to my present spiritual state. I have therefore taken a small apartment over the Wing Ya Dim Sum Express & Tanning Salon for the duration.

Stand by for yours truly's take on god and his mysterious ways.