Grope - The Musical

You heard it first here. Grope the Musical will be hitting the West End in 2005. Makes sense, doesn't it? We've had We Will Rock You and Tonight's the Night so what better way to celebrate yours truly's illustrious career than a spanking new musical. So I get on the blower to Andrew Lloyd Webber who pretended he'd never heard of me for the first 5 minutes - he's a card isn't he? Anyway, he asks me who's writing the book. I gently pointed out that there's no book just the musical and he tells me that's what they call the story in musical-land. Strikes me that they need to get themselves sorted out terminology-wise. So I say it writes itself, doesn't it? I mean tales of Vernon Grope are legendary - all he needs to do is string a few tunes together and we're laughing all the way to the bank. Upshot is he says he wants to 'consider his options'. I say if he wants to get some more art on his walls, he needs to buck his ideas up.

Next stop is casting someone to play me which is another mess of potage. By this time, Ron Edmunds has got wind of the project and seeing that he's about to be booted out of his current job playing the back end of a lion or some such, is much enamoured of treading the boards under the old Grope persona. Now, I'm not so keen given that he's not as young as he used to be and has got a voice like coal under the out-house door. Need to work on a plan to let the old boy down gently - maybe I'll cast him as Roadie #1 . That's should do it - just as long as his back holds out. I bet Carmen Mackintosh never had it this hard - god rest her soul. That's an idea - David Soul. I bet he's cheap available...