Win an Escort

Now, the Grope coffers are looking a bit empty at the moment so a bit of entrepreneurial spirit is called for. So, after a copious amount of vino collapso I came up with ...

The Win an Escort competition

Before you start getting the wrong idea, we're not talking motor cars but genuine personal escorts of the rock 'n roll variety. It came to me in a flash - I know all these celebs, why not spread 'em around a bit? Who wouldn't want to spend a day in the company of a fabulously talented rock god (or goddess, if I can get Irma von Eisberg out of retirement)?

So, I get on the blower and start doing the rounds. For some reason I can't fathom, Mick Jagger, Bono, Macca AND Sir Cliff all appear to have full diaries right out to 2009. I finally managed to snag El Magnifico once his two-stretch is over and Snakey Pete provided his eczema clears up.

I haven't ironed all the wrinkles out of the offer yet but I thought the Day of a Lifetime would go something like this:

12:00pm: Collection by limo (or Mum's Datsun Sunny whichever is available) to be whisked to a watering hole personally selected by your's truly, namely the Cockroach and Groupie.

12:15pm: Lunch with refreshments - mingle with celebs

5:00pm: Lunch ends.

5:05pm: Carried by top roadie to premier cocktail bar for pre-dinner drinks - mingle with celebs

08:00pm: Gurney arrives to whisk you to dinner

08:01pm Aperitifs in the Starlight Cafe, Ballspond Road - mingle with celebs

09:55pm Dinner followed by after-dinner mints and brandy

10:00pm Transportation by Turkish mini-cab driver to glittering 'nite spot' for drinks in VIP bar - mingle etc.

04:00am: Bow Street Police station - mingle with ... who knows?

05:00am Night bus to the destination of your choosing

The Competition

Vernon Grope is:

a) Global mega-star of eyewatering proportions
b) A washed up no-hoper with delusions of grandeur
c) None of the above


Terms and Conditions

Answers on a £50 note to Grope Promotions Ltd PO Box 69 N23 2ED. Judges decision (i.e. mine) is absolutely final. No correspondence, threatening phone calls or paternity suits will be acknowledged. Your home may be at risk if you fail to abide by the rules of the competition.

Dry cleaning is NOT provided as part of the prize.